'Fantastic or Delusional'

A gentleman named Edward B. Baltimore may have spoken for many when he sued all three branches of the federal government and all the 50 states; wrote Mr. Baltimore, the myriad defendants have:

"failed miserably...by knowing(ly) conspiring to deprive, oppress, maim, torture, torment and compromise the lives of people citizens of the world and have molested the minds of infants and newborns."

Which pretty much sums it up, I think. But in an opinion made public Thursday, U.S. District Judge James Robertson dismissed Mr. Baltimore's lawsuit as based on "fantastic or delusional scenarios." Both, I think.
https://ecf.dcd.uscourts.gov/cgi-bin/show_public_doc?2008cv1918-3

Fantastic or Delusional

Kedist D. Hirpassa may have a problem. Unfortunately, it's not one the U.S. District Court in Washington can help him with.
Mr. Hirpassa sued the State Department; the Maryland resident and one-time State Department summer clerk explained that State has

"had persons to attempt to change or take my identity (and that) someone within the department have arranged police officers to assassinate by brother after relaying a message to me via email."

Sic all of the above; the phrasing, I mean. On Monday, citing the well-worn rules concerning "fantastic or delusional scenarios," U.S. District Judge James Robertson quickly dismissed the case, at https://ecf.dcd.uscourts.gov/cgi-bin/show_public_doc?2008cv1829-3

Real Law

It's been that kind of week for the U.S. District Court in Washington.

A Washington, D.C. gentleman named Earnest L. Dixon conceived of a new way to replace George W. Bush at the White House. He's his own best advocate, explaining in his lawsuit that he was

"suing the formal District of Columbia Police for repossession of my mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington D.C. I want everyone to vacate the premises and leave the keys. Thank you."

Sorry Mr. Dixon! Late Thursday, in this inexplicably brief opinion https://ecf.dcd.uscourts.gov/cgi-bin/show_public_doc?2008cv1811-3,
U.S. District Judge Ellen S. Huvelle declared the lawsuit was the kind of "fantastic and delusional scenario" that deserves rapid dismissal.
Now, why didn't John McCain think of this strategy for reaching the White House...

And then, on Friday, U.S. District Judge James Robertson confronted a lawsuit by a Mr. Victor Alvarez, currently residing at the U.S. Medical Center for federal prisoners in Springfeld, Ill. In his lawsuit, Mr. Alvarez demanded a modest $999 trillion as a result of various federal authorities "using UFO exotic weapons of laser tubs-technologies and military spionage and known as ciber electronical brain monitors connected to my brain with laser cables connected to military computers."

Fantastic and delusional indeed; case, sadly, dismissed. All the details at
https://ecf.dcd.uscourts.gov/cgi-bin/show_public_doc?2008cv1819-3

See Peanuts, op. cit.

Good ol' Charlie Brown. Always good for a legal analogy; now, with footnotes!
On Wednesday, U.S. District Judge James Robertson in Washington invoked the cartoon character in explaining https://ecf.dcd.uscourts.gov/cgi-bin/show_public_doc?2006cv1014-97 why he would not dismiss a multi-faceted patent infringement case pitting Dow Jones & Co. against Ablaise. The latter company patented methods for generating web pages based on user preferences. After a year of grinding discovery, Ablaise wanted to yank one of its patents out of the case right before it was time for summary judgement.
Robertson likened Ablaise's slippery move to "rewarding Lucy for snatching the ball away from Charlie Brown." Judge Robertson then elaborated with a footnote that for my money beats that tired old Carolene Products footnote number 4 hands down. Opines the judge:

"The analogy is admittedly imperfect. Charlie Brown and 2 Lucy were at least nominally on the same side, and Lucy didn’t want to keep the ball -- she just didn’t want Charlie Brown to have the satisfaction of kicking it."

Coming next: Garfield v. Lasagna.